I think I must be emotionally immature: I have a tendency to focus on the physical appearance of a man and my physical feelings towards him, and then feebly attempt to build up a relationship from there.
I have recently joined a dating site, and find myself browsing through the men as though they are a list of products in a catalogue. I flick through impatiently until something pretty catches my eye. My internal monologue as I accept or reject "matches" goes something like this:
Buck teeth... No.
Black and white posed photo of a good looking man... He looks like he could be the one...
I'm obviously punching above my weight
Because when I add these last category of guys to my "favourites", or whatever it is one does as a cyber equivalent to smiling, I get "viewed" but never selected as a favourite in return. And when I look at who does like me, the list includes: the bald one, the bespectacled one, the old one, the buck teeth one and the ginger.
So, reluctantly, I check them out. As I click through the photos, I cringe more and more. How could I be attracted to any of these men when there are so many hot guys out there?
But what if....
I read a profile and imagine that a good looking man has written it – my heart starts fluttering with feelings of innate compatibility. But then I take another glance at the photo and the butterflies turn to lead. I do not feel excited looking at this man.
When I get a text from a Geek who is interested in me, I huff with impatience at his neediness, feeling stifled and pressured. In general, this sort of reaction has led to a belief that women like me want a Bad Boy – someone who will "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen".
But again, I close my eyes and I use my imagination: the man who has just text me is that really hot guy from the pub the other night... I read the text again as though my fantasy is true – and suddenly I don't feel so stifled anymore. In fact, I feel tremblingly excited – I can even feel my cheeks glowing.
So it's not that I don't want to be doted on. It's that I want to be doted on by someone who excites me.
I have never particularly considered myself to have a "type", rather a set of (what is increasingly looking impossible) criteria: incredibly good looking, intelligent, deep, fun, masculine, sensitive, happy, independent, doting....
In her book, The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle argues that this kind of criteria prevents a woman from really being open to love. She suggests accepting dates from anyone, on the basis that until you fall in love you can't possibly know if someone is right for you.
Deciding to follow this advice, I went on a date with a Geek. I determined on seeing all the positives and dismissing the negatives. I enjoyed the conversation, he was a gentleman, and I had a nice time.
But between that date and our second date, the negatives kept niggling away at my mind. I didn't fancy him. It wasn't just that he wasn't as impossibly good-looking as my unrealistic ideal; he almost repulsed me. He was boy-like in many ways: inexperienced, unconfident, frequently talked about his mother... I couldn't envisage enjoying his touch or laughing with abandon while we do something crazy.
So I went to our second date feeling completely uptight, but trying my best to be all smiles and pleasant conversation. Having once decided he repulsed me, I began to really dislike his company. His nervous laugh grated on me, his awkwardness stressed me out. I could not wait to get away.
I'm ashamed of myself for these feelings. I feel cruel. There is nothing wrong with this man's heart; he is honest, sincere, warm, friendly and generous. But I felt in my gut that dating him was like giving in to desperation.
Having said that, going out with GeekBoy1978 has done me a big favour; I am now looking through the other online profiles with a more positive view:
Bald... but has similar taste in music.
Glasses... but that comment he made about grapes is hilarious!
Old... but check out those manly arms...
Buck teeth... but so intelligent.
Ginger... but otherwise very very cool.
If I knew who the right man for me was, the chances are I'd be with him already. So if I can open my mind just a little, then maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. GeekBoy1978 wasn't the one, but maybe OldManBigGuns will be...