I
have a male friend – more an acquaintance - who delights in telling
me, with scathing glee, the shameful details of women's pitiful
come-ons. Now, before I continue I want to make it clear that these
judgements are what I perceive his
to be, and definitely are not my own.
One instance went
something like this:
"Oh
that Hayley, she's a bit full-on! She
was pressing herself up against me, grinding against my crotch."
Another time, he spoke of
a girl who came on to his friend:
"She was like, 'your
place or mine', and we were like, 'neither!'"
[sniggerguffawchortle nudgewink]
Putting
aside the actions of these women, (and trying my absolute hardest not
to get drawn in to wondering what these men say about me
behind my back...) I would like to analyse this man's motivation a
little. I can think of several possible reasons for so publicly
shaming these women (and I'm sure there are more that I haven't even
thought of):
Boasting
Would it be too much of a
bold declaration to say that anyone
would be flattered by such come-ons? Maybe these comments were made
to me – and perhaps others – as a way of saying: "I am
desirable. I am attractive." They certainly were said with a
strutting aura, chest puffed proudly out in a thoroughly cock-a-hoop
manner.
To
inspire competitiveness
Perhaps this particular
man gets kicks out of turning women on each other, so that they each
give him their positive attention. Perhaps he was trying to imply –
imply but not declare mind you – that the attentions of other women
were unsolicited, beyond his control, whereas his attentions to me
were of his choosing. I don't mean to say that he favoured me over
these other women – more that he meant to highlight to me my
'rival' and set me a challenge to better her.
Discomfort
There is a chance, of
course, that my friend simply felt uncomfortable with the behaviour
of these women, and needed some way of releasing this discomfort - in
the same way that girls sometimes bitch about their friends when they
are feeling insecure themselves. Perhaps being in receipt of overtly
sexual behaviour was intimidating, and injured his sense of decency.
Maybe he wanted to disassociate himself – not only with the women
in question – but also with behaviour that he felt did not
represent his own values.
Perhaps he is one of
those men who – whatever he might say publicly – secretly feels
that women who come on to men are somehow defying their nature, and
transgressing from acceptable behaviour. Perhaps he subconsicouly
feels emasculated: it is for him to act, to move, to enter.
To
be perfectly honest, I haven't got a fucking clue.
And does anyone?
I
see in so many magazines, blogs, TV shows, sweeping generalisations
about "what men (or women) really
want". On his website - gettheguy.co.uk – dating guru Matthew
Hussey says: "when you’re out with your
friends do not laugh excessively at every joke men make, dance too
sexily or get too drunk!" (Well
that's me fucked then – and not in the literal sense.)
Personally, I think these
generalisations are a load of bullcrap.
When I was growing up,
reading teen magazines, I was convinced that "boys don't like
girls who wear too much make-up". Now, while I am certain that
this is true of some/many men, I know others that definitely prefer a
woman who "takes care of herself".
Similarly, there must be
some men out there who would love it for a woman to go up to
them and grind against their crotch, and when Hayley meets one of
these men it might be happy-ever-after for her. In the meantime, I
hope she remains blissfully unaware of the dishonourable judgements
that are made of her.
Having said that, in my
own mission to be more aware of the perceptions of others, I am going
to be guarded about my approach to men - by, well, not
actually approaching them - and then I'll see if any of them really
do have the balls they supposedly wish women didn't have.
*source:
massivegeneralisations.com
